Legend has it, the way coffee was discovered was by a group of goat farmers. They noticed one day their goats were hyper active and dancing around. What they discovered was the goats were getting hyper off these grape looking things that weren’t grapes. After what I’m guessing is some horrible R&D, they roasted and poured their first cup of coffee. (Hence the name Dancing Goats coffee).

What if decaf was discovered but instead of the goats dancing around, the farmers walked in on the goats just finishing a 4 hour dinner that could have honestly fed a large tribe in Africa. Stuffed, sitting back in their chairs, then the waiter goat comes along with that one last attempt at an up-sale..

“Dessert…? Anyone…?”

The goats all look around at each other waiting for the first one to jump…

“Maybe we could share something!”

“Yea, I think that’s a good idea.”

Says that one bitch-ass agreeable goat.

“I wish there was something I could drink that would balance all these sweets I’m about to stuff my face with.”

Says the old lady mama Maxxinista goat.

The farmers sitting baffled, scratching their straw-hatted heads.

“What could we create that kinda taste like bitter ass and pairs well with a chocolate lava and freezer served cheese cake?

“Lets grab some of these grape looking things and cook them. Then we’ll grind them up and pour hot water onto them… I think this might do it…”

And it was at this moment when the farmers discovered the perfect pairing for that late night guilty pleasure.

Cause honestly that’s the only time that I would ever even consider drinking decaf coffee. Its like…. 10:17pm, and I just need that sour something to balance that dessert I’m about to destroy.

I wouldn’t consider myself a coffee enthusiast, (I own a Nespresso, that should explain everything you need to know about my relationship with coffee) but I am VERY enthusiastic about my coffee in the morning. That jolt of energy I feel after downing my home-made double shot americano. That’s the first and most important part. Secondary is the taste of it. I appreciate the coffee more if it taste like good coffee, but when it comes to coffee I’m more along the “beggers can’t be choosers” side of things. When I’m traveling, if its free hotel coffee vs. some swanky ass 0.9 miles walking coffee shop, I’ll air on the side of hotel. For me it aint gotta be all that. I just need something to wake me up a bit.

Outside of my long and drawn out illustration of what I think the single function of decaf is, I really don’t understand decaf drinkers. Ok… you like the taste. I get that. But honestly you’re missing out on that true-to-life fundamental function of coffee, It gives you life.

How do you even decaffeinate coffee in the first place? Are there beans that grow without caffeine in them? How does it work. Is it science? Is it some technology created by some genius that was allergic to caffeine but fell into the peer pressure because all the other MIT students were drinking coffee by the pots? Wanting to fit in and be accepted is a bitch.

Bro like… read these words out loud to yourself. I’m a decaf coffee roaster. Like.. what? Wtf does that even mean you’re a decaf coffee roaster. That’s like some beard-y ass white dude telling his friends,

“I brew non-alcoholic beer.”

I’m a decaf coffee roaster. That’s like saying,

“I make things knowing that its not the real thing.”

To me it sounds borderline psychotic low-key. Like…. Sex with a condom is great, until you have sex without a condom on… after that condom sex pales in comparison to the real thing. I’m not much for safe sex advocacy (pull out game strong), but who is on the caffeine regulation advocacy board?

Maybe my distaste for decaf coffee is something as simple as a marketing issue. Coffee since the day I smelled that first pot of Folgers in my moms Braun drip machine that makes the funky farting noise has always served that purpose of being the best part of waking up. What if decaf was marketed as a coffee that will help you fall asleep faster. Imagine a world where coffee enthusiasts would be able to enjoy their favorite drink at the beginning and end of their day… but to be real for a sec, if you’re a coffee enthusiast (or avid coffee drinker like myself) caffeine probably doesn’t even hit you like that anymore.

Imagine being a barista at a swanky coffee shop. Anthony Bourdain walks in and orders the decaf drip… I mean how put off would you be… are roasters bringing their best beans on the decaf line? Are you going to get that rose and cherry note Ethiopia banger with that decaf brew? Even if it was later on in the evening, I feel like someone like Anthony Bourdain would still drink regular coffee because he also is probably completely numb to caffeine as well.

I feel like decaf drinkers are worst case scenario people. Always thinking 10 steps ahead and wanting to make sure they aren’t restless in bed because of some coffee they drank at 3pm that’ll keep them up. And I’m like dawg… if you like the taste of coffee that much you’d drink decaf, there is a fix to a restless night because of coffee… more coffee when you wake up.

Do coffee enthusiasts even claim decaf within their ranks? Imagine being the 1 roaster out of thousands at a coffee convention that dedicated your whole life around roasting decaf. Imagine going to one of the hottest roasters booth as a buyer. You ask the sales associate if they brew decaf and they say “Yes, we do!” And point to the trash can.

A lot of what is said here is met with much ignorance. I personally don’t know anyone that keeps decaf in their pantry. I don’t know what it means to be ultra sensitive to caffeine because I never have been. I’m someone that is tired ALL THE TIME and needs at least 1 cup of coffee a day. I don’t even know if I ever consciously ordered decaf coffee at a restaurant. I do know that people claim there is still a little bit of caffeine in decaf… but honestly what’s all that about.

I’m drinking a cup of coffee while writing this right now. I’m thinking about all the literature, films, music, photography that was all powered by coffee. The world would be a much different place. Maybe switching all the coffee in the world to decaf would slow the human race down so much to the point where capitalism would come to a stand still and we would figure out how to solve all the worlds problems. We would look at each others faces with empathy because we now suddenly bare the same burden of being tired all the time. Its either that or cocaine and adderall usage will go up 1000%. That sounds horrible.

Maybe decaf is the way of the future. Maybe we can learn something from being less peppy and less snobby about brown water.  I’d like to dedicate this stream of consciousness to the people the quit coffee and never considered decaf. May God continue to bless your life tremendously.

p.s. why the fuck can’t they make cigarettes without nicotine tho.